Navigating Life: Day 9- After Spouse Death

Life is still moving forward… but everything keeps hitting me like an atomic bomb.

I woke up with my stomach fluttering and my heart pounding heavy in my chest. It took me a while to even get out of bed today. I stayed there most of the day.

I’m tired of moving through life like you’re not gone.

Going places, doing things, pretending, while knowing no matter where I look… you’re just not there.

I binged videos today. Looked at your pictures. Listened to our voice notes. Our business meetings we recorded.

I found peace in it… and then got irritated when there were no more.

Because I realized there will never be any more.

What is the purpose of continuing life when you’re not here?

You were my life partner.

So what is life without you?

This feels cruel, honestly.

Sometimes I think God could have just taken all of us together.

I would have rather that… than you being gone and us being separated.

I know you’re still here in spirit (invisable so to speak).

But when will we laugh together again?When will we live together again?

My life was you. Our family.

Now what?

I received our real estate seminar tickets today.

I just stared at them for a while.

Another reminder.

I got so mad at you today.

So frustrated.

Why didn’t you let me take you to the hospital?

This is ridiculous, you should still be here.

I cooked today… and you didn’t come into the kitchen like you always do. Digging into the pot, checking the food, making sure your family was "good". That was always you.

Old habits are still showing up everywhere.

And it hurts every time.

I’m so sorry, babe.

I don’t know if you were trying to get my attention and I was asleep… or if I missed something. I keep thinking about that night, that week, that month.

Your eyes were open when I woke up.

And now it feels like I just let you slip away.

Like I watched it happen.

I’m angry.

I’m mad at myself for not doing more.

For not pushing harder.

For not recognizing something sooner.

This is unbearable at times.

But I still love you.

Even in the anger. Even in the guilt. Even in everything I don’t understand.

I love you.