Navigating Life: Day 4 - After death of Spouse

April 5, 2026 — Day 4

Today is day 4.

I woke up super early this morning, and my heart felt so heavy with flutters in my stomach.

I cleaned up a little today. The kitchen was a mess. Our son helped with the dishes.

You know how I feel about washing dishes.

You were always the one who did them the most.

I started washing some, just enough to keep myself busy.

Your family expressed an autopsy.

There was so much happening that day, and while I understood what the examiner was asking before they took you away, all I could think about was you.

I know how much you hated needles. How much you hated hospitals, surgery, anything invasive. It would have taken something extreme for you to ever agree to that.

My thoughts were on preserving you the way we had talked about.

So I told them they could do whatever they needed to do… except cut on you.

I understood that it could mean never fully knowing what happened and as important as those answers are, my thoughts were on taking care of you. You had been through enough. I watched you fight this battle for over 15 years.

Protecting you and keeping you safe were on autopilot because you didn't have a voice.

The examiner’s office later explained it was too late anyway. You were already complete and prepared.

I learned the funeral home could have covered any scars, but that wasn’t really the point.

I just care about you. I just want you taken care of the best way I know how.

And we still have to get you back to our hometown.

This is so much.

I’m so sorry your family is going through this.

I know this pain isn’t mine alone.

I scrolled online for a while today.

I don’t even know why.

Maybe because my mind keeps asking the same question:

Where are you?

You were my every day. All day.

We did everything together, errands, work, raising our family and living day to day together on this life adventure.

No matter we were, we always gravitated back to each other’s space.

I took another nap in our bed today.

The naps have helped.

I’m going to try to sleep through the night in there.

Everything is still exactly the same as it was on the 1st.

Nothing has moved.

Nothing has changed.

And yet everything has.

My mind is still stuck in that same loop.

How did I not know?

How did I miss it?

But then I remind myself…

This was God’s will.

That was your day. Your time.

This is what God had planned.

Even when I don’t understand it.

What does this mean for me and the boys now?

Our oldest turns 18 in a few days.

You won’t be there physically.

My birthday is only a few days after that.

You won’t be there for that either.

The thought of all these firsts without you feels unbearable.

My brain will not rest unless I force it to shut off.

I tried to look over our business books today.

The second I opened them, my mind went completely haywire.

I can’t focus.

Everything feels too loud inside my head.

I’m trying, babe.

I really am.