Navigating Life: Day 3 - After Spouse Death

April 4, 2026 — Day 3

Today is the start of day 3.

Usually by now, I’d be blowing your phone up if we had gone this long without talking. We’ve needed space before, yes, but we have never gone more than a couple of days without speaking, or at least texting.

I’m missing you like crazy.

I’m trying to cope with this empty space… trying to fill the space you used to fill. Trying to stay focused and not get stuck.

I went for a walk this morning.

Did you see that Mr. Victor owns the RV we were eyeing on the corner? It might actually be big enough for us. But what does that even mean now? Who’s going to drive it? Your eyes used to light up every time we saw one on the road.

That was our dream.Our next step.

I don’t even have the mental capacity to think about it right now.

I want you out of that cold box, I can hear you now.… and laid to rest in the earth with your father. I know we talked about cremation, but your family says it’s a sin. I fully understand, respect, and agree with that, but right now my focus is making sure you’re at peace… that your afterlife is full… that you continue to live on through us.

We will carry your dreams. Your goals and take you along with us.

But you were not supposed to die.

I keep thinking about the last time I saw you. The last time I hugged you.

You were cold, baby.

I took a nap in our bed today. I cant sleep on the couch forever. But I don't know if I ready for the full night. I laid and scrolled, smoked an L to consume my mind until i drifted off.

I have to stop smoking.

But, every time I stop, I start crying.

But I need to be stronger for our kids. I need to set a better example.

It hit me hard today…

I’m the only one now.

I had to go to work, and before I left, I wrote the kids a note, where I was going, the address of the house I was cleaning, what time I left, what errands I might run, and when I expected to be back. They were asleep when I left.

I have to be extra careful now.

Because after me… then what?

This all feels surreal.

I spoke to the community leader who came to the house that day.

She’s been a pillar for me. Someone neutral I can talk to about you, about us, about everything. I don’t want to feel like I’m intruding on her life, but she’s been there.

And I needed that.

The realization is starting to settle in…

This is just the beginning.

I’ve been trying to navigate this the way we usually handle things, logically, intellectually, trying to process it step by step.

But the truth is… the future pain hasn’t even touched the surface yet.

All the moments, the events, the memories… that you won’t be there for.

I can’t even wrap my mind around it.

My brain just won’t process all of this.

Like… what the hell is this?