Navigating Life: Day 2-After Spouse death

April 3, 2026 — Day 2

I still cannot believe you’re gone from beside me… forever.

This morning, I sat on the couch watching First Take alone. I kept looking over, expecting to feel you next to me. It was so quiet when I woke up. That’s not normal, you always have the TV on.

I’m going to keep it together. I’m going to make you proud. I’m going to make sure all of our dreams still come true.

I know you’re still with us. Protecting us. Watching over us.

I pray to God that you are at peace, that you are whole, that you are in perfect health. I know your dad is taking care of you now.

It’s impossible not to miss you. I can’t believe our life together here on this earth has come to an end. I pray that we can still talk, still stay connected, until I see you again on the other side.

I saw a video on my phone today and almost ran to you to show you. I caught myself, stopped, and just said it out loud instead… asking if you saw what I saw. I laughed with you anyway.

Is this really my new way of talking to you?

I spoke with your family a few times today about logistics, and the truth is, we are so unprepared.

How are we going to bury you?

We never got life insurance. We have no savings. And now we have to figure out how to get you back across the country.

There’s this added layer of real, heavy stress… but your family is taking the lead on it.

I bought tickets for the kids and I to go back home for your funeral. But I think I’m going to return them to put towards your funeral. We’ve already said our goodbyes. We’ve lived with you, loved you, held you every day.

As long as the people who love you get to see you again, that’s what matters now.

I’ve always said you were my angel here on earth… and I love you so much, babe.

All I want now is for you to rest in peace.

I keep thinking about your last days. Replaying our final conversations.

They were good conversations. Honest ones. Full of love and concern, for each other, for our health, for our future.

We had our complicated times, but we found our way back to being best friends. We learned how to communicate again, through the good and the hard.

I keep retracing our last weeks, trying to figure out what I missed.

How did I let this happen?

And then I remind myself… God sets the day and the way.

Still… I have so many questions.

What does this mean for the kids? For us?

Everything has changed… yet everything is the same.

Your shoes are still lined up along the wall. Everything in the house is exactly where you left it.

I went to the store again today.

I felt so vulnerable. Everyone around me was just living their lives, unaware that you’re gone.

I wanted the world to stop, because yours did.

Everyone should care.

You are one of the best.

I called my dad today, you know I had to track him down, lol. He couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t expecting that kind of news. He kept saying how blessed I was to have such an honorable man in my life.

I called my cousins too. We talked about you for hours.

Being in the kitchen feels different now.

Empty.

Your absence is loud.

Where are you?

I still can’t sleep in our bed.

I’m going to sleep on the couch again tonight… with our son.

I love you, babe.